slashfic40 Claim: Life on Mars - Sam/Gene. Links to the fics will be added as I post them, so this can be a nice and tidy way to find them. Pinned at the top of my LJ for now, will be moved...somewhere, when it's all completed.

001.	Beginnings	002.	Middles	003.	Ends	004.	First
005.	Last	006.	Old	007.	Hug	008.	Fear
009.	Puzzle	010.	Red	011.	Grey	012.	White
013.	Black	014.	Blue	015.	Lies	016.	Truth
017.	Wake up	018.	Denial	019.	Acceptance	020.	Friends
021.	Enemies	022.	Lovers	023.	iPod	024.	Coffee Mug
025.	Sunrise	026.	Sunset	027.	Patience	028.	New
029.	Time	030.	Smell	031.	Quiet	032.	Touch
033.	Taste	034.	Sight	035.	Smile	036.	Tears
037.	Life	038.	Death	039.	Writer‘s Choice	040.	Writer‘s Choice

I FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR OF UNI (AND HOPEFULLY PASSED IT)

I HAD AN AWESOME WEEKEND AND THEN TUESDAY & WEDNESDAY NIGHT WITH THE BOYFRIEND, WHO IS COMING TO DEVON TO MEET MY FAMILY NEXT WEEK. (I NEARLY MISSED TODAY'S EXAM BECAUSE I GOT *LOCKED IN* HIS HOUSE WHEN HE & HIS ROOMMATE WENT TO WORK - HAD TO GO THROUGH A NEIGHBOURS GARDEN. BUT ANYTHING THAT IDIOTIC IS FUN.)

I FINISHED ALL MY EXAMS!!!!! I CAN SLEEP! I DO NOT NEED ANXIETY! GO, ANXIETY, GO!

UM, THAT'S ABOUT IT. SO TIRED. I GO HOME TOMORROW AND SEE MY FAMILY AND MY CATS AND DOGS AND THE ASSORTMENT OF OUTDOORS ANIMALS AND YAY.

SLEEP NOW.

(Also, I'm procrastinating.)

Turning Point? <--- This is an article by Chomsky, examining recent US statements about Israel and Palestine. Something interesting appears to be going on, from a casual perspective, as both Obama and Clinton keep emphasising this, "No, you cannot has more lands!" stand-point, despite Netanyahu consistently refusing those terms. America actually putting limits on Israel? It cannot be!

Now, the article is actually a lot less optimistic about it than I am - yes, I do think the US could be doing a lot more, and they're trying too hard not to upset Netanyahu, and most of the talk is just posturing. But I firmly believe that posturing is important. Posturing is step one. Clinton today in direct public talks with the Israeli foreign minister reiterated the need for a halt to settlements. That's big. That's the start of attitude change within the American political system, and yeah, I think that's the beginning of hope. Just like Obama has been a pretty huge disappointment so far, but I'm still pleased he got voted in, because even if his platform of change was a lie, at least it shows the public genuinely want change. It's a first step.

Now, it's a long article, people have lives, people don't care. So I'm going to copy a couple of bits focussing less on the details of the politics and more on the current treatment of Palestinians. Because people should know.

"The plans being executed right now are designed to leave Israel in control of the most valuable land in the West Bank, with Palestinians confined to unviable fragments, all separated from Jerusalem, the traditional center of Palestinian life. The "separation wall" also establishes Israeli control of the West Bank aquifer. Hence Israel will be able to continue to ensure that Palestinians receive one-fourth as much water as Israelis, as the World Bank reported in April, in some cases below minimum recommended levels. In the other part of Palestine, Gaza, regular Israeli bombardment and the cruel siege reduce consumption far below. "


""On its coastal littoral, Gaza's limitations are marked by a different fence where the bars are Israeli gunboats with their huge wakes, scurrying beyond the Palestinian fishing boats and preventing them from going outside a zone imposed by the warships."" [Why?] "These Israeli naval attacks began shortly after the discovery by the British Gas group of what appear to be quite sizeable natural gas fields in Gaza's territorial waters. Industry journals report that Israel is already appropriating these Gazan resources for its own use, part of its commitment to shift its economy to natural gas."

"In Gaza today, there is no private sector to speak of and no industry. 80 percent of Gaza's agricultural crops were destroyed and Israel continues to snipe at farmers attempting to plant and tend fields near the well-fenced and patrolled border. Most productive activity has been extinguished... Today, 96 percent of Gaza's population of 1.4 million is dependent on humanitarian aid for basic needs. According to the World Food Programme, the Gaza Strip requires a minimum of 400 trucks of food every day just to meet the basic nutritional needs of the population. Yet, despite a 22 March decision by the Israeli cabinet to lift all restrictions on foodstuffs entering Gaza, only 653 trucks of food and other supplies were allowed entry during the week of May 10, at best meeting 23 percent of required need.. Israel now allows only 30 to 40 commercial items to enter Gaza compared to 4,000 approved products prior to June 2006." (Harvard Crimson, June 2, 2009)."


And finally just a general point from me about Israel's repetition of a need for "natural growth." Countries don't get to just go, "hey, we have a few too many people, mind if we shift our borders into your territory a bit?" Nevermind that every international body agrees that a huge amount of the settlements, particularly those in Jerusalem, are entirely illegal. You aren't allowed to go, "We need more space; we're taking some of yours." *Will not make an amazingly tasteless historical reference, however much I want to*.

EXAM TIME.

If you get someone a gift that consists of tickets for events (in this case, a band one night and a comedian the following night), but the event is quite a way in the future so you don't actually have the tickets, how do you give it to them?

Just tell them? Or, write it in a card. Or give them a print out of the confirmation e-mails? Idk, just going "I bought you this stuff!" seems a bit crap. Tangible is good.

Otherly, today I learned, "How sweet" is a good response to a compliment, and "how sweet and dysfunctional" is bad. Even when it is true.

The music of Chuck Berry is creepy (Little Queenie, Sweet Little 16) and yet addictive. Can't stop listening to it.

Of course, it might be a better idea to actually do more preparation work, but as is typical with me, I'm too panicked to look at the material. It makes me feel ill. Also I have this vague retarded confidence that I will be able to blag it, and if I actually read the stuff I'll realise how much I don't know and therefore can't blag.

I KNOW THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I spent most of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday sleeping, because there's some sort of illness (probably stress-related) going on. If I had been able to use those days as I planned, I would be fine, but...eh. I can resit.

At the weekend, Chris was down, and he made tea in my shared kitchen whilst dressed in a short red tartan skirt and a white shirt. BECAUSE HE'S AWESOME. Half my housemates - the people I don't hang out with because they're homophobic, transphobic and generally closed-minded - happened to be in the kitchen. One of the many reasons Chris is made of awesome.

About two hours til exam. Wah.

Chris' birthday next weekend. It's a pain that it's in the middle of my exams. He's taking a long weekend in Brighton and will help me study. I got him cool stuff; Bill Hicks book, Asimov book, teeny-tiny model of The Liberator, and tickets to Ricky Gervais' stand-up. I'm tempted to order the CD of Blue Jam as well, as my finances have just sorted them out, but possibly I shouldn't go overboard. Oh, and I do have to pay for something else, which doesn't need to be on my journal (but Stacey, recall when we were talking about sexual fantasies...#1 soon to be achieved. Um, yay!) It coincides quite nicely with us having been together for three months. Feels longer, in a good way.

I'm going to go shopping after this exam. For the first time in about two months I'm not over-drawn. I'll see if friends want to go too, because everyone's spending all their time revising. We even missed our dvd and drinking night this week.

STOP PROCRASTINATING, ME. I am totally running out of even vaguely interesting things to say. A scan reread of the basic material could do wonders for boosting my mark. I should do it. I will do it now.

Just thought of something further I can talk about to procrastinate! I got the birth control implant on Tuesday. So far, doesn't seem to be any problems. I had a headache constantly until Wednesday evening, but that's gone and may have been due to something else anyway. The procedure was remarkably painless - only the jab for the anaesthetic hurt. My period seems to have stopped dead. So, yeah, so far seems like a success.

Watching now. One thing I must immediately bitch about ( Read more... )

God, I wasted this evening. Was supposed to tidy my room and study. Played computer games on the phone with boyfriend for the whole night instead. Example of beautiful nerdiness; he's all excited about how much you can customize Rules of Engagement (the Amiga game). He wants to make a mission that is a re-enactment of the end of B7 episode Star One. And he wants to do a Enterprise with Picard vs Enterprise with Kirk. Avon vs Blake. Re-enact the Klingon Civil War blockade stuff from TNG. He said, "You know what I would really love? If you would design some missions for me to do. Something tactical where I can only win if I manage to be as smart as you."

Um. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. Beautiful nerdy boyfriend who also happens to look pretty stunning in a skirt. I can deal with the neediness and occasional problems, because...AWESOME. AWESOME MAN. LOVE.

When Chris was a kid, he played a game called Rules of Engagement on Amiga Commodore. Today, I found a download of the game, found a windows emulator so it could be played on PC, configured the emulator to the right ROM settings and CPU ratio (add-ons were necessary), and made my computer play the game Rules of Engagement as though it were a Commodore. Then I e-mailed detailed instructions to Chris.

One, I am a truly awesome girlfriend.
Two, I AM IMPRESSED WITH MY OWN COMPUTER SKILLS FUCK YEAH. THAT WAS DIFFICULT AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WTF A COMMODORE IS, BUT I MADE IT WORK I ROCK AND I ROCK HARD.

I've been away from uni since last Thursday (stayed with Chris for one night, then home for the weekend). I will get back tomorrow (Tuesday) night, and then on Thursday it's back to Chris' until Sunday. Life is busy. I need a list.

Tuesday - get out of bed, get to the station, get back to Brighton, buy a bottle of vodka and head to Kat's for Merlin/Firely/Drinking night. Avoid toplessness this time. (You know the male fantasy stereotype, a bunch of 19 year old college girls getting drunk, removing clothing and talking about sex toys and having tickling fights? IT HAPPENS. PORN IS REAL. Though we didn't have sex, so it's not porn. Anyway, don't do that again.) Get to bed reasonably early and sober.

Wednesday - wake up early, go to the rapid access morning at the medical centre to talk about sleeping pills and birth control (I'm going to see what is recommended, but right now I intend to try the implant. If it fucks with me, I'll just have it removed). Then, go into Brighton. Get my St Christopher necklace fixed, and move money from savings to main bank account. Purchase a better bag for weekends away. Do an hour of laps in the pool. Back to campus. Do laundry - black jeans, black skirt, horrible halter top that I hate but Chris likes. Dye my roots. Purchase train tickets for Thursday. Call mum. Pack weekend bag. Fill all remaining time with huge amounts of studying. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF STUDYING.

I know, it's probably not a lot more hectic than life is for some people on a day to day basis. But I am the least organised person in the world. It will be a miracle if I succeed at half of this.


Otherly: 2.6 of Ashes was good. Not as good as 2.4 or 2.5, but I enjoyed it. I've started watching my Lone Gunmen DVDS (X-Files spin off) and...I'm enjoying it. I don't think it's good, and yet I like watching it. Oh also, my mum has okayed Chris visiting me in Devon over the summer, and me & Chris are seeing Ricky Gervais' new stand up in December. I bought the tickets for his birthday present, along with a book analysing Bill Hicks' comedy, Isaac Asimov's non-fic history of everything ever book, and a tiny model of The Liberator. I am the best girlfriend ever. As long as I'm girlfriend to a nerd.

I had a nice weekend with my dogs. And the family, of course, but I can talk to the family on the phone. Lovely dogs. Took Harvey and Finn for a walk on the moors and they went swimming in a little river. Very cute as Finn is barely strong enough to swim against currents and Harvey just launches himself into the water. My lovely puppies.

Better go to bed now; gotta be on time for the train back to Brighton tomorrow.

He has half an hour until I tell him to cut it the fuck out and USE HEADPHONES, jesus. So I feel like rambling a bit before bed.

Stayed with Chris from Thursday til today. It was a fantastic weekend. I couldn't have imagined anything more perfect. It's...it's exactly what I want. We both cried when I got on my train home (...yes, we *are* that pathetic). Tonight I have to go to bed alone, and he won't be there when I wake up, and yeah, that does make me feel really sad. I just...god, not enough words. Love him. Miss him. Two weeks til the next visit, goddamn it. This weekend was just perfect. He's - perfect might be a bit strong, but better than anyone I could've imagined existing, y'know? Exactly what I want and then some extra bits that I never would've thought of but are totally awesome. I'll shut up on that topic now.

At the Natural History Museum, I learned that crocodiles have an exoskeleton. How cool is that? The really hard spiny bits down their backs are actually bone.

I saw Star Trek last week and have to admit...I didn't like it. Sorry, most of the people on my flist. Idk, Spock was too human (all of the Vulcans were, wtf), quite a pointless plot, the "funny" parts weren't funny, and there was a severe lack of technology, tactics, intergalactic negotiations/politics, and not enough cool looking space fights. I always was more of a Next Gen fan anyway, so perhaps my opinion on this just reflects that the original series didn't really push my buttons anyway. On the other hand, I thought the casting was superb. The actors were all very, very good. But the script was just...flat.

I've started watching Merlin, but it's a watching with uni friends thing, and Merlin nights are really more drinking nights. But it's well cute.

I have been pretty consistently impressed with Ashes to Ashes this series. It's pretty good. I actually liked Alex in 2.4! She was awesome. (Hated what they did to Jackie Queen, she *used* to be awesome). I'm liking the over-arcing plot with Alex; I'm curious about where they're going with it and I get the impression it will be something pretty cool. Not enjoying the met corruption line so much - I'm really, really pleased that they're addressing it because obviously, the met in the 80s was disgustingly crooked, but I think they're almost being a bit nice about it. Very clean and bureaucratic issues. That said, they can't really do the appalling treatment of civilians stuff because, well, Gene is extremely guilty of that. Oh, in 2.4, his speech at the end? Made me hate him a little bit. Which I LOVE, because Gene *is* a bastard.

I need to go to bed. Trying to fix my sleeping patterns at least a bit. Night all.

CAN'T SLEEP, I EDIT. I think I may start swimming regularly. I have crap physical fitness and not great self-esteem about my body, plus exercise is a good stress reliever. And swimming is nice. Yes. Might go tomorrow.

Cool thing: Chris' mate Irfan semi-lives in Syria (he's a diplomat) and has invited us to go and stay with him. Damascus! I can afford it because in three years time I'm going to have a fuckton of debt anyway, a flight to Damascus isn't gonna make much difference. It rests on whether Chris can get the money together.

Less cool: Oh GODDAMN IT SCHOOL WORK. Sigh. It's stressful. It's horrible. Depression fucked up my coursework. Fear fucks up everything else. I'm no longer in the panicky state where I'm convinced I'll fail the year, but there is some "maybe there will need to be resits" stuff going on, and some OH CHRIST NO LET ME HIDE IN BED FOREVER.

More cool: Started watching Merlin with Kat, Jo and Lou. We got up to Lancelot, but I don't know what happened in that episode really because we were drunk by then. I'm finally getting into the swing of social stuff again post-mono. Tomorrow, pub quiz!

Tomorrow, I'm going to buy EXFOLIATING GLOVES. Because my life is just that exciting.

"I'm gonna do some research into sorting out a threesome, and request that we make it a foursome. I don't see why you should get to monopolise the all the gay."

Boyfriend is TOTALLY FORGIVEN.

I seem to constantly be using this for relationshippy talk, but everything else in my life is either boring or horribly stressful, and there is little time for fandom.

Anyway, new relationship marker - first argument. Not really an argument. I shouted at him twice.

( Stuff behind the cut )

Also, we started watching Battlestar Galactica. STARBUCK! BLONDE CYLON WOMAN! HOLY HELL. I haven't watched enough episodes to have much of an opinion on the show - though I know I want to keep watching - but the pretty is epic.

Last night, me and some friends were talking about porn (debating the ethical aspects, and long fingernails) and it got onto submission and eventually rape fantasy stuff. And the response was...really negative. Like, "there is something psychologically wrong with people who like this." Zia actually said something like, "I wouldn't judge someone for liking it, like I wouldn't judge someone who self-harmed or suffered from depression, but like self-harm and depression, it is a bad thing."

( Discussion of sexual submission and dominance, gender, and rape fantasies. You have been warned. )

In my opinion, and no, I haven't done any studies to this effect and yes, I may be totally talking about of my ass, the attitude that women are less intelligent, less capable, less in control of their sexuality and less able to make their own decisions, is a FAR bigger contributor to ongoing sexual abuse and misogyny than what a minority of people choose to look at on the internet and do in their bedrooms.

Fun boyfriend weekend. But I must complain about something, and I apologise if this is verging on TMI, but for fuck's sake, the sex shops in Brighton are pathetic. BRIGHTON! I thought we would be good. But most of it is novelty and rubbish - and I'm sorry, not judging people's tastes or anything, but are there really *that* many people who like ugly uniforms? - and some of what we did get wasn't the highest quality. He bit through the fucking gag (rubber, not steel, obviously). I, uh, may have broken the restraints a little (but they were fixable, I just yanked the adjustable bits of the straps apart. The gag is in two pieces.)

On to other stuff - I hate my doctor more than I can describe. I had an appointment with her at the start of the week to get another scrip for the anti-depressants, and she cancelled due to a family emergency - totally understandable - but she wouldn't fucking reschedule til next week. I understand she's busy, but I've gone four days without my tablets. Which I'm fairly certain is bad for me. She refused to just write me a scrip, even though she knows I'm out, because she wants to do a detailed review of treatment. Fine! Do a detailed review with me next week, but why couldn't she give me some fucking pills for the weekend? Bad doctor. Very bad.

So this weekend wasn't *as* great as it could've been with Chris, because I've been a bit fucked up. Not too bad, but I hate to think how shit I would've felt if I wasn't all endorphin-y and loved up. I think Friday night I had kind of a break down moment and couldn't stop shaking and crying for about an hour. I guess...in a way, right now, I'm pleased that it happened because it's nice to know I can fall apart like that and he's just awesome about it. But I've not been top form all weekend.

Seriously, *everything* about SSRIs, INCLUDING THE LEAFLETS IN THE BLOODY MEDICATION, says don't suddenly stop taking them. It could've been a lot worse. It would've been if I had been on my own.

Oh, but, last night I cooked *awesome* food. Like, made a meal. Whole grain pasta with sweet pepper sauce (which, uh, came out of a packet but it's still cooking!) with bacon and cheese. It was awesome.

I'm going to go into Brighton now, because there is this friendly little squirrel that's been hanging around outside my window. I've been feeding him sunflower seeds, but I want to get him some monkey nuts.

Mum:...I thought you were gay.
Me: So did I.
[Pause]
Me: He's quite feminine.
Mum: Oh.
Me: I'm going with 'bisexual' now.
Mum: Isn't that cheating?
Me: Not really how it works...
Mum: No, I think you have to pick one.
Me:...You are kidding me, right?
Mum: No. You have to be one or the other.
Me:...Seriously, you don't think this?
Mum: No, I don't, but you have a ridiculously old boyfriend and as long as I don't get mad at you about it, I think you should let me say whatever I want.

Like a million times better reaction than I was expecting.

I look at my exam timetable and I feel relaxed. I think about the coursework I have left to do and I want to die. Exams are good. COURSEWORK BAD. I've developed a huge block over coursework now, due to the fuckupedness of last term (between glandular fever and depression, I might as well of not bothered leaving Cornwall), and it just...ARGH. I've just e-mailed my advisor (which I should've done weeks ago), to get the mitigating evidence deadlines and ask what happens if there is complete non-submission (I just need to know it wouldn't be the end of the world). 'Cause I'm way better but every time I think about last term's work, I think "you've fucked up everything and the rest of your life is ruined" and spiral into a panic attack.

Otherly, I've been super-busy. Returning to uni soon, and sorting out MY HOUSE WHICH I WILL LIVE IN AND PAY RENT FOR YES. Will not be properly interneting until I'm back in Brighton (Monday. Well, Sunday, but Sunday I've got stuff to do. Like talking to our future landlord, hell yes.)

Stupid weird uni terms mean that the whole core group of home-friends only managed to get together once this break, but it was fun. I (joint) won bowling and air-hockey, and lost at pool but I think my technique improved. I got three balls in the holes.

I haven't seen Chris for more than two weeks and it's driving me mental. But, THURSDAY. Less than a week. Yay. I'm trying to work out how to tell my parents about him. 'Cause over the summer I'm going to have to be going to London a lot, and actually he requested that I tell them so he can visit me here ('cause he's crazy). He underestimates how badly my mum will react. Or maybe she'll be fine with it and I'm stressing over nothing. Either way, I so don't want to have the "I have a 31 year old boyfriend" conversation. So I think I might e-mail it instead, and then I can get out everything I want to say and all of my justifications without feeling intimidated by her reactions. And she can think about it before we talk about it. And because I'm a coward.

BED TIME. LOVE.

( Oh wait, first I have to talk about the two most recent episodes of Scrubs )