slashfic40 Claim: Life on Mars - Sam/Gene. Links to the fics will be added as I post them, so this can be a nice and tidy way to find them. Pinned at the top of my LJ for now, will be moved...somewhere, when it's all completed.

001.	Beginnings	002.	Middles	003.	Ends	004.	First
005.	Last	006.	Old	007.	Hug	008.	Fear
009.	Puzzle	010.	Red	011.	Grey	012.	White
013.	Black	014.	Blue	015.	Lies	016.	Truth
017.	Wake up	018.	Denial	019.	Acceptance	020.	Friends
021.	Enemies	022.	Lovers	023.	iPod	024.	Coffee Mug
025.	Sunrise	026.	Sunset	027.	Patience	028.	New
029.	Time	030.	Smell	031.	Quiet	032.	Touch
033.	Taste	034.	Sight	035.	Smile	036.	Tears
037.	Life	038.	Death	039.	Writer‘s Choice	040.	Writer‘s Choice

I'm very, very nervous right now.

Chris left my place this morning to go to work, said he would call on his lunch break. No lunch break call, and there's no answer on his phone. After trying that a few times, I called his office - he didn't come in today. Tried his mobile several more times, and still nothing. I called his parents and there was no answer, so I left a message.

Still no answer on his phone. I don't know what to do. I'm really, really scared.

Good: Not pregnant!
Bad: Kinda having a big downswing in terms of depression right now, but counselling starts on Thursday, so hopefully I can get these things under control.
Super awesome: Chris has decided he wants, at some point, to do a masters or another bachelors degree. This is brilliant because he was previously resigned to having boring shit jobs and that "no one ever has a job they like." Now he wants to be able to get one, and make do something he wants with his life. We will be poor forever, and forever paying back a combined of about 10 years of tutition, but when he told me he was thinking about it I was so fucking happy for him.
Bad again: I've lost my atm card. Called and cancelled it, and it'll take 14 days to get a replacement. I have £10 to last me til Friday night, then Chris will lend me some for the next week. This wouldn't be too disastorous except that I need to buy train tickets home and have no card to purchase them with. I will hit mum up for the tickets tomorrow.

Class at 5. Should go but feel super lazy. But, if I go in, I can also print out and hand in my first bit of coursework a day early (I finished it a week early - amazing for me), plus there is fencing practice this evening which I really shouldn't skip out on. So, school time.

Had a good weekend. Chris came down, so much fun with family & boyfriend. Also have passed my resit, so all systems are go for the next school year. Sent off the job application. Only bad thing currently is that my bank have screwed up and think I'm £1,200 in debt to them, when...I'm not. System error means I've been having to borrow money off my mum for weeks. Grrr.

Anyway, I'm passing the time until Chris' train gets him home and I can ring to say goodnight, so I'm doing a meme! Fascinating for you all, I'm sure it will be.

( Read more... )

My K key is sticking - there may be typos.

It's weird that when I have something important to do, even if I now I can do it, anxiety pretty much disables me. I'm applying for jobs, and these are *good* jobs. I mean, one of them is...wow. If I got it, it would be such an incredible opportunity because it's exactly the kind of work I want to spend my life doing (it's a part-time project worker for a housing trust, working on their residential site with the clients with mental health problems). And I've read through the application and everything they want and you know what? I think I'm good enough to have a shot at it.

But I'm so, so anxious about filling out the damn app. Even though I know I can do this. Even though I truly think I'd be *awesome* at this job if they hired me. Even though I want it so much I'd be happy to give up so much free time as I would have to. Even though, damn it, *I* am the best person they are going to have applying.

So why am I such a kid about this? It's the same with essay writing, the exact same feeling - I know I can kick arse in my degree. But when it comes to doing the coursework, or even the reading, I just get this horrible feeling of anxiety.

Idk what it is. I don't think it's fear of failure, because the job, it's not the end of the world at all if I don't get it, I have other opportunities, and the degree? I *know* I am so capable. So, what the hell is wrong with me? And it's not about sabotaging my future, because I *want* my future, right now more than I ever have in my life, but the anxiety is just getting worse.

I know, I know, when I'm back in Brighton a bit more permanently it might be a good idea to take advantage of the uni counselling services. I'm a bit thrown because I've been doing so well since I started the citalopram though; I didn't anticipate this problem returning again.

But damn it, I want to succeed. And not just succeed like I did at A level, by doing a really, really small amount of work and coasting on skill. I want to know what I can do if I put all my effort in. I want to be that person.

I need to go fill in that damn job application.

ETA: It's 11pm, I've written about 800 words of the essay part of the application, and it's going good. Yay!

I just worked out my budget for the next term.

And now I'm applying for any job that I could possibly do, however terrible, because if I want to do anything fun or fancy like EATING I'm going to need it.

Time for LJ is fleeting. Had an exam resit, looking for a job, moved/moving into a new place (like, half my stuff is there, I'm at home again for a couple of weeks then moving in permanently). Everything is really, really good.

Except for money. But, I'll find a job and then it will be cool. Me and Chris now have a joint bank account, for saving for the future. The plan is that we will live together when I finish my degree. I will do relevant work for a year in London to be accepted into the doctorate program I want, and hopefully we'll have saved enough money that we can live off savings plus Chris' income and I can study full-time.

I'm all domestic and stuff. We cook together, and talk about budgeting. But then we have creepy kinky neither of us are quite comfortable with this but wow it's hot so what the hell sex. It's all so ridiculously good that I can't quite believe it and sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the moment it turns out he's actually an asshole stringing me along ('cause I'm fun and optimistic!) but...this is good. This is actually good, happy, healthy, amazingly fun and secure love. It's awesome.

(He's looking for a new place at the moment, and he rang me after checking out one house share, "It was nice. Big room, nice kitchen. The people seemed nice but then I saw an Iain Paisley biography on their bookshelf. I can't live with Unionists." I LOVE HIM.)

My new place in Brighton is wonderful. I have a nice big room, though it's at the front of the house so it's a bit noisy. My friends are lovely people, and I'm having a bit of trouble adjusting to spending that much time with other people, but mostly it's just great.

I resat the exam that I was ill during, and I'm fairly certain it went well, so all is fine on the school front. The second year actually counts for my overall grade, so I'm intending to work properly hard this year and kick arse. Because I know if I try, I will get a first, so I'm going to try, and get a first, and be awesome, because my life is good and I want to make it work and give myself every opportunity for goodness.

On the downside, my expenses are much more this year, the bank is being shitty about my overdraft, I still have to pay my part of the Gambia money so I'm down this term anyway, and I got an interview for a job I really, really wanted, but could only be interviewed on a day that there was no way I could make it.

But apart from that, yeah, everything is awesome good yay fun.

Friday before last, I was up in London and seemed to be attracting more male attention than usual. Idk why, it doesn't matter. But...fuck that made me uncomfortable. I mean, I don't mind people checking me out, but stay the hell out of my space, you know? Because a lot of things happened on the same day it freaked me out a bit. Also, my reactions bothered me.

( Continued behind the cut. Trying to deal with being feminist by choice but socialised into sexism. )

My strap-on harness is ridiculous crap that slips around all over the place and is utterly pointless alone, and barely works when worn under shorts. So I am in the process of MAKING a new one.

Sewing! It's actually quite soothing. But threading a needle is like the most difficult thing in the WORLD. I'm making a replica of this shorts-style harness that I saw on either babeland or goodvibes website. It was about $70.

The material I am using cost me $5, and it is all I will need, besides cutting up some old black jeans to reinforce the opening. Sewing is good.

I'm going to Gambia in March! THE GAMBIA.

Me & C were looking up Croatia stuff and it seemed that March was too early to do a lot of the stuff we wanted to do there, and so we started checking out random places on cheap websites and a week in the Gambia costs LESS than a week in Croatia.

SO WE'RE GOING TO GAMBIA. TROPICAL AFRICA. HIPPOS. THEY HAVE HIPPOS. (And crocodiles and many primates and birds and weird antelope things and manatees and dolphins.)

This is a recommendation, because I know tropical Africa is a sort of dream holiday for a lot of people. GAMBIA. We're going for a week in late March, 3 star hotel, and flights included it will cost £324. That's all. GAMBIA GAMBIA GAMBIA.

Summer in my parents house. Farm house. Surrounding by fields and the like. Spiders seem to like living in here. I'm a little on edge right now due to the one on my curtain YES I CAN SEE YOU DON'T TRY ANYTHING so I'm writing an entry to try to stop being a twitchy freak.

So. Update. I caught swine flu off mum, and got it worse than her, and my chest got quite bad so I started taking Tamiflu and now I'm feeling a bit better. But damn, it was really bad when it was bad. That is one unpleasant illness. Other health news, it appears the BC implant is giving me extra periods! FUN! Yeah. Every two weeks, with the usual cramps and emotional stress. Boo.

I spent a week and a half with Chris a little while ago, and that was just brilliant. We're doing really good. I think insecurities are lessening on both sides, and everything that is an issue has been got out in the open and dealt with, so, yeah, we're doing good. We're opening a joint account next time I'm up in London, to save money for a holiday together. We spent a lot of tonight checking out places and flights and stuff - current plan is to go to Croatia at Easter.

I'm not really in a good financial state because I've got money going out on train tickets and stuff, and nothing coming in. I may have to ask my parents for the first month of rent on my place, since it starts before my loan comes in. Unless I can find "one off" stuff to do, I'm a bit screwed for work too; not enough time left. I *will* get a job up in Brighton though; I think I will have to. Otherwise I'm constantly living in my overdraft...which I have just remembered I can increase by £150 if I want to, thank fuck. Ha, I only just remembered that. That makes things a bit more comfy. Not much but...basically I have enough in my account for the rent, plus the extra 150 to do train tickets and stuff over the next couple of months. Okay. Good.

Chris has decided that he's moving out of his place, which he shares with his friend Steph. I'm pleased because in general, I don't particularly like Steph (though I don't know her well. This is based on her unwillingness to help or support Chris during his mental health problems, and that her boyfriend is a really horrible, morally reprehensible person, and she doesn't care), and because I think it'll be good for him psychologically to have a change from the past three years of his life, which were largely shit. Plus, totally selfishly, the plan for the new arrangement means he saves about £200 a month, which means we have more money for spontaneous fun.

Like doing a tandem bungee jump. 160ft. We haven't sorted a date yet, but we're going to do it. I think Chris is going to call tomorrow. I am already fucking scared.

He referred to me as "the one" yesterday. Shut up, I know it's sickeningly cute. I don't really believe in concepts such as the one, but yeah, wow, much happiness here. There's lots of happy crying and long phone calls with refusal to hang up and...yeah. It's disgustingly sentimental. To balance it out, my pet name for him is cuntface. The sex is amazing but I won't talk about it in the middle of a post. Except to say my mother would be hugely disappointed in me. As would some of my friends, I think. I would be a little disappointed in me if it wasn't so fucking good.

Swine flu has messed up my social plans at home, meaning it may well be a further two weeks before I get to hang out with my friends again, since I can't do anything this week without infecting people, and next week mates are off on holidays and stuff. Fail.

The spider that was bothering me hasn't moved all night, so I might be safe to sleep. It's not really a case of safety any more anyway. I'm tired. i'm going to bed. Goodnight, world.

I can't sleep, so I flicked the TV on and with nothing on, I went to BBC3 to see what particular brand of crap they were showing tonight.

I caught the last 5 minutes of a show about "Mini Miss UK", young girls (the youngest was 7, oldest 12) and...I feel sick. Little kids wearing more make-up than I think I've ever worn. Dresses more expensive than I have ever owned - and people judging these children. They were asking the kids how they would feel if they lost and one said, "I think I would feel like I wasn't pretty enough or good enough." One of the girls who lost, 9 years old, looked so fucking depressed when she didn't win. Stood on the stage looking broken. And that girl's sister bursts into tears, and the mother starts talking about how it doesn't matter because they'll take her on the American pageant circuit and she'll do great there.

Little girl on stage in a pink fluffy dress, fake eye-lashes, huge hair, looking heart-broken and her mother says, "Don't worry, I'm just going to put you through all this in America instead."

I...argh. Now it's a show about underage girls who want boob jobs.

The world is wrong.

Hello! I was away for a week and a half, staying with Chris, and so was a bit busy for livejournal. I won't be doing a catch, because...week and a half. I hope you're all well.

I kicked arse on my exams, besides the one I was ill during, which I will have to resit (since I only spent 20 blurry minutes writing the 2 hour exam, then ran off to vomit, I was expecting this.) I got a first on several of the exams. Coursework, all the stuff I didn't do due to glandular fever and/or depression, unfortunately means that my overall results aren't that shining, but I feel good because I blasted the exams and proved that when I am well, I am bloody good, and next year I will be rocking this show.

Mum has probably got swine flu. I say probably because she has most of the symptoms, several people at her office have confirmed cases, but we haven't checked if the temperature is high enough yet. Because the only thermometer in the house hasn't got any damn mercury in it (probably important to find out where that mercury leaked to or something.) Not too worried, it's only very mild.

The birth control implant has made my boobs bigger. D cup. I'm pleased because I think my wide hips are reasonably well balanced out by chest now. My physical confidence is...improving, I think. It's improved to the point that I can openly discuss and pick apart all the stuff I don't like about myself, which doesn't *sound* great but being able to say "no, look at this bit, ew," is a big step up from trying to ignore everything as much as possible. Chats with Chris about various stuff have been interesting, because there's some cross-dressing going on, and he had such a bitch-fit at how difficult it was to apply make-up and shave and WHY DO YOU DO THIS SHIT TO YOURSELF? I think the fuss make-up takes really shocked him.

A couple of feminism points have come up since I've been with him. Strangely enough, I've started wearing more feminine and 'sexual' clothes (skirts, dresses, low-cut tops), but way less of an effort keeping stuff shaved or wearing make-up. 'Cause the reason I wasn't wearing those clothes before, despite liking them, was that I didn't want people looking at me. Wanted to avoid judgement and objectification. Recently however I settled on a "fuck you, i'll wear what I want" mentality because it's not *my* responsibility to dress myself in a way that will stop the weird man in the red car slowing down next to me, asking if I was okay, then looking out his window as he drove off (example from today - yeah, it made me mildly uncomfortable but that shit happens to women however they dress anyway and I refuse to buy into the ideas of people who use clothing as an excuse.) Currently I think the short skirts and low tops are reactions are a "fuck you" to such notions of modesty. Hopefully at some point I'll settle on an uninfluenced style that is just about what I like, but I think that's pretty much impossible when what one likes is so heavily influenced by society anyway.

I do think I'm going to stop wearing make up though. My opinions on that sort of crystallized when Chris was complaining about make up, and said he could never even tell if I wear it. I said, "I know your opinion of my appearance doesn't change whether I wear it or not, and my opinion of my appearance doesn't change whether I wear it or not, so I don't bother when I'm here." "If you feel the same with or without it, why do you bother the rest of the time?" So I'm not going to.

I read two books over the past week and a half. The Gun Seller, by Hugh Laurie, which I admittedly had read before, but damn it's good. Flawed in several areas, I will not deny, but the plot, and the ending, and the morality - oh, that is a damn good book. I love his writing style too. Also read, mostly on the train home today, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting by Milan Kundera. It was very, very good. I was engrossed. My favourite aspect was, doubtless, the comparatively small part of the book (though it was a theme, it had only a couple of sentences where there was any explicitness) was that the way to control a people is a strip them of their memories - their culture, their language, their values and their traditions.

Signing off and going to bed now.

See, I decided at the start of the summer to grow it out. I had lovely hair when it was long (and I bothered to look after it properly), but it got to this annoying mid-length stage and in the hot weather all that extra weight on my head annoyed me, so chop-chop. This is the shortest I've had it.

( Pic )

In other news, I am home to Devon. Family time is nice. Chris came down and stayed at the weekend, first time meeting the family, and it went well, I think. I'm not *certain* if my mum likes him or not, and I'm too chicken to ask. But everyone else clearly adores him. I think my nan and granddad like him more than they like me. I'm going up to London for a whole week next week, which will be awesome, and meeting more of his family and close friends. Yeah, I'm scared. In general things are going amazingly well. Like...I'm not even going to describe it because it's so sappy and pathetic and fuzzy. BUT WE'RE ADORABLE GODDAMNIT.

Also planned for my summer - finding a job; I should be going down to the job centre sometime this week, but it's a pain in the arse that they want professional references right off the bat, when I've never had a job.

Exam results come out in a couple of weeks...possibly next week in fact (oh, thank god, it'll be when I'm in London so there can be consolatory cuddles or celebration, and not judgemental parents.) CogMod will be a resit; don't know about the rest. Probably research skills, unfortunately. Everything else should be okay. I think they only thing that will upset me is if I have to retake Cognitive Psych 1.

I'm hanging out with Rachel tomorrow, and hopefully both Rachel and Stacey on Thursday, so I'm all occupied and stuff, nice.

Torchwood is being AWESOME and I fancy Gwen so damn much. Unf.

NOW I AM INCREDIBLY HUNGRY AND MUST RAID THE KITCHEN.

I FINISHED MY FIRST YEAR OF UNI (AND HOPEFULLY PASSED IT)

I HAD AN AWESOME WEEKEND AND THEN TUESDAY & WEDNESDAY NIGHT WITH THE BOYFRIEND, WHO IS COMING TO DEVON TO MEET MY FAMILY NEXT WEEK. (I NEARLY MISSED TODAY'S EXAM BECAUSE I GOT *LOCKED IN* HIS HOUSE WHEN HE & HIS ROOMMATE WENT TO WORK - HAD TO GO THROUGH A NEIGHBOURS GARDEN. BUT ANYTHING THAT IDIOTIC IS FUN.)

I FINISHED ALL MY EXAMS!!!!! I CAN SLEEP! I DO NOT NEED ANXIETY! GO, ANXIETY, GO!

UM, THAT'S ABOUT IT. SO TIRED. I GO HOME TOMORROW AND SEE MY FAMILY AND MY CATS AND DOGS AND THE ASSORTMENT OF OUTDOORS ANIMALS AND YAY.

SLEEP NOW.

(Also, I'm procrastinating.)

Turning Point? <--- This is an article by Chomsky, examining recent US statements about Israel and Palestine. Something interesting appears to be going on, from a casual perspective, as both Obama and Clinton keep emphasising this, "No, you cannot has more lands!" stand-point, despite Netanyahu consistently refusing those terms. America actually putting limits on Israel? It cannot be!

Now, the article is actually a lot less optimistic about it than I am - yes, I do think the US could be doing a lot more, and they're trying too hard not to upset Netanyahu, and most of the talk is just posturing. But I firmly believe that posturing is important. Posturing is step one. Clinton today in direct public talks with the Israeli foreign minister reiterated the need for a halt to settlements. That's big. That's the start of attitude change within the American political system, and yeah, I think that's the beginning of hope. Just like Obama has been a pretty huge disappointment so far, but I'm still pleased he got voted in, because even if his platform of change was a lie, at least it shows the public genuinely want change. It's a first step.

Now, it's a long article, people have lives, people don't care. So I'm going to copy a couple of bits focussing less on the details of the politics and more on the current treatment of Palestinians. Because people should know.

"The plans being executed right now are designed to leave Israel in control of the most valuable land in the West Bank, with Palestinians confined to unviable fragments, all separated from Jerusalem, the traditional center of Palestinian life. The "separation wall" also establishes Israeli control of the West Bank aquifer. Hence Israel will be able to continue to ensure that Palestinians receive one-fourth as much water as Israelis, as the World Bank reported in April, in some cases below minimum recommended levels. In the other part of Palestine, Gaza, regular Israeli bombardment and the cruel siege reduce consumption far below. "


""On its coastal littoral, Gaza's limitations are marked by a different fence where the bars are Israeli gunboats with their huge wakes, scurrying beyond the Palestinian fishing boats and preventing them from going outside a zone imposed by the warships."" [Why?] "These Israeli naval attacks began shortly after the discovery by the British Gas group of what appear to be quite sizeable natural gas fields in Gaza's territorial waters. Industry journals report that Israel is already appropriating these Gazan resources for its own use, part of its commitment to shift its economy to natural gas."

"In Gaza today, there is no private sector to speak of and no industry. 80 percent of Gaza's agricultural crops were destroyed and Israel continues to snipe at farmers attempting to plant and tend fields near the well-fenced and patrolled border. Most productive activity has been extinguished... Today, 96 percent of Gaza's population of 1.4 million is dependent on humanitarian aid for basic needs. According to the World Food Programme, the Gaza Strip requires a minimum of 400 trucks of food every day just to meet the basic nutritional needs of the population. Yet, despite a 22 March decision by the Israeli cabinet to lift all restrictions on foodstuffs entering Gaza, only 653 trucks of food and other supplies were allowed entry during the week of May 10, at best meeting 23 percent of required need.. Israel now allows only 30 to 40 commercial items to enter Gaza compared to 4,000 approved products prior to June 2006." (Harvard Crimson, June 2, 2009)."


And finally just a general point from me about Israel's repetition of a need for "natural growth." Countries don't get to just go, "hey, we have a few too many people, mind if we shift our borders into your territory a bit?" Nevermind that every international body agrees that a huge amount of the settlements, particularly those in Jerusalem, are entirely illegal. You aren't allowed to go, "We need more space; we're taking some of yours." *Will not make an amazingly tasteless historical reference, however much I want to*.

EXAM TIME.

If you get someone a gift that consists of tickets for events (in this case, a band one night and a comedian the following night), but the event is quite a way in the future so you don't actually have the tickets, how do you give it to them?

Just tell them? Or, write it in a card. Or give them a print out of the confirmation e-mails? Idk, just going "I bought you this stuff!" seems a bit crap. Tangible is good.

Otherly, today I learned, "How sweet" is a good response to a compliment, and "how sweet and dysfunctional" is bad. Even when it is true.

The music of Chuck Berry is creepy (Little Queenie, Sweet Little 16) and yet addictive. Can't stop listening to it.